My life has changed. I have changed. Fells like I grew up. Feels like I let go of the old version of me that has been created and influenced by the perceptions and beliefs of others. I just wanted to be free and be able to do what my inner voice has been telling me to do. I wanted to be fearless. I wanted to be confident. I wanted to see myself with the loving eyes, every time I saw myself in the mirror.
I have been on quite a personal development journey over the last few years. Noticing my limiting beliefs and having enough courage to face them and transform them has been the best gift that I could have given myself. I could no longer bear the box that I have been living in. It felt like it was time to break free. I was challenged on all the levels possible. All the areas of my life needed an upgrade. It was time to start owning all the choices that I have been making and start choosing from the more empowered state of mind.
Some days were easy, the others I was questioning myself, what the heck am I doing with my life. How many limiting beliefs and collective consciousness programming am I carrying? I started digging within myself looking for the answers, hoping that once I received them, I will have the peace and a sense of freedom, that I have been craving for so long.
I decided that I needed a change. I wanted to travel somewhere far away, where I won’t be disturbed, to get lost in my own thoughts, feelings, to run away from surroundings that felt limiting. This is exactly what I did. I booked myself a single way ticket to a beautiful island of Koh Samui in Thailand. I knew that this was going to be the perfect location for me to come back to my senses; to understand who is this person named Sandra and to start thinking about the future and how I can start living mindful and peaceful life.
I believed that as soon as I reach this tropical paradise and will be surrounded by the palm trees, white sand and clear blue sea I will have all my questions answered and I will be able to find a peace that I am looking for within. It didn’t quite work out that way. I ended up staying in a touristy part of the island called The Fishermen’s Village. The apartment I rented was in a busy condominium where most of the people staying there have been on a holiday and finding the peace within wasn’t on their agenda.
So many times what we are feeling inside gets reflected on the outside. Every time I feel the turmoil of suppressed emotions and anxiety wiggling inside I notice, how my desk gets messy, my email goes to hundreds of unread emails, my living environment would become disorganised and cluttered. Once again I have recreated that in Thailand. What I have been feeling inside got manifested on the outside.
I realised that it didn’t really matter where I was going to be and whether I was going to be surrounded by the palm trees and blue sea or concrete buildings and lots of people. All the issues, doubts, fears, uncertainties would come with me no matter where I was. I found myself in a place wanting to run away again. But where should I be going next then?
In reality what I really wanted was to run away from myself. I couldn’t no longer handle the feelings of heaviness and uncertainty that I was carrying. Some of it has been inflicted by others and some of it was created by myself, simply because I believed that by trying to save others, to help them heal and love themselves more I was going to be loved myself. I am an empath and would normally feel the pain and suffering others are feeling. What I had to understand and learn was that I could have a compassion for others, without needing to internalise what others are feeling.
Love is most of the times the deepest feeling that we end up craving. Even when abundance surrounds us, but the love cup is empty, we would still be wondering around, taking silly actions, which would hurt us without realising that deep in our subconscious mind we are just trying to get closer to the feeling of love.
In my case, I had a wrong understanding of love and had it mixed up with pain and suffering. In my limiting understanding, I believed that in order to feel love, to be loved I had to suffer first. I have also created a very similar pattern to self-love. I had been learning to love myself by punishing myself first. Even being on this staycation and living with uneasiness and anxiety within for the first time I started to experience what emotional eating really is. I would eat sugary foods and processed junk that I normally would never even touch and then I would have a glass of green juice to balance it out.
With the work that I do, I am now conscious enough of my actions and understand that once I create a crazy pattern like this, there is a deeper issue underneath that I am avoiding facing. We get comfortable in life and sometimes facing the changes are not going to be easy. Talking about the changes, I was facing a lot of them. I was going through the biggest transformation of my life from divorce, to not knowing where I was going to live next, to letting my gym business in London go, which has been taking a big part of my over the last five years.
I knew I wasn’t going to stay feeling miserable during my stay in Thailand, so I signed up for a yoga membership. The first few classes I felt like I was going to cry. I wanted to run away and disappear. My body was tense and muscles stiff, but I kept on going. I knew that every time I had to face the uncomfortable something greater was going to show up in the end. That is life, that is how we grow and develop, that is how we create a life that we want to be living. We have to face the challenges, because we are not going to grow in our comfort zone.
Almost two months of yoga not only did good for my body, but also my mind. I was able to find a balance in my headstands. I will never forget my incredible yoga teacher saying that sometimes we need to go upside down to be able to see life from a different perspective. Consciously I understood every single word she was saying and knew that it was time to let go all of the attachments I have created for myself and it was time to fully step into the power of being myself. Simply, because only from the place where we are able to let go we are able to create a life that we deep down crave to have.
To end my Thailand adventure I ended up doing Vipassana, a silent meditation retreat. I knew that silent meditation was something I wanted to add to my meditation practice, but always had so much resistance towards it. It felt like it was easier to stick to my daily Kirtan Krya chanting meditation practice instead of staying still and facing something that would make me uncomfortable. But I also knew that in order for me to get the guidance that I need and to calm my overactive mind, I had to get still.
This was one of the best retreats that I had experienced. I think it is worth a blog post itself, so look out for that. I had experienced deep and soulful healings. Some things that didn’t make sense before appeared clear and brought new awareness and understanding into my life. However, the most important part of it all was achieving my intention that I came to Thailand with. I found my peace and it has never been about the palm trees, white sand and crystal blue sea. It was about going deeper than ever within. It was about understanding that the outside programming no longer is going to affect me in a way that I was letting it to affect me before. It was about surrendering and letting go the attachments to the outside world. It was about choosing only what feels good to me without a need to please anyone else in exchange for the deep feelings of love and acceptance.
Before flying back to Europe I spent a weekend in Bangkok. I was staying in the centre of the city, surrounded by the busy bars, never ending traffic jams, lots of people and noise. None of that was bothering me anymore, because I was carrying newly rediscovered sense of peace within. I was grateful that I had courage to go the lengths that I did to find it on a deeper level than ever and to have the understanding that I always had the power to come back to it, whenever I chose to do so.